The "Solo" of the SoloDev

Hey there!

I'm Taaro, an indie solodev who is making Farewell. It's currently 4 months since I started this journey, and as every month I document something I learned or experienced. Today I don't want to talk about processes or skills. Today I want to talk about something different, something more internal. Hopefully, I can help someone who is going through the same thing, but if there is no one at least it will serve as a catharsis for me.

What is a solodev?

Generally, a solodev is someone who is doing his project entirely on his own. It doesn't necessarily mean that every single thing related to the game is from our hands (otherwise we would have to make even the game engine ourselves or our own PC). Sometimes assets are bought or someone is hired for the music, but in general it can be summarized as one person responsible for everything related to the project.

Now, when you ask what is the most difficult thing to do as a SoloDev, you might think of: programming, art, or the area of which you have the least knowledge. In a way, you are right. In my case, I am a programmer and the areas with which I have trouble are art and marketing. Now, there is a much bigger problem that is and will always be present, which is yourself.

When it comes to dealing with oneself I feel that two areas can be differentiated:

• The external. These are the conflicts that someone from outside can see: how to make animations if I don't know how to do them, how to program such a feature if I don't know how, how to do marketing without knowledge. They are usually more frustrations due to a limitation or lack of skill.

• The internal. Conflicts already outside of work. Being alone most of the time, without social distractions and obligations how do you deal with that emptiness, how do you deal with your own presence.

My only knowledge of psychology is the years I did therapy, do not take this information as absolute truth or anything like that. It is just an insight into my conflict division.

External

It's funny how at first I thought that the external area was going to be the most complicated for me. Don't get me wrong, it is difficult but today I see it as simple (but not easy). At least in these months I have come to the realization that with time and practice I will be able to solve any problem. I think in this case you deal a lot with the thought that you are not going to be able to. The truth is that, if you start and keep working, you will end up achieving something that works for you.

There is no more than that. It ended up working for me to stop procrastinating and directly start working on the problem:

• I didn't know how I was going to make the scenarios -> I just started with an asset until I liked it, and step by step I ended up getting there.

• I didn't know how an algorithm for my game -> I sat down and did each step until it ended up working.

• I didn't know how I was going to make this blog -> I sat down and started writing until I ended up liking something.

In The Obstacle Is The Way, Ryan Holiday talks about how, during a problem, there is the actual problem and then our load of subjectivity that gives it importance. For example, a problem I had at the time was how to draw the characters I wanted in Pixel Art without knowledge. My subjectivity, on the other hand, was all the frustrations, the panic of not knowing how to do and feeling like I wasn't moving forward. Ryan Holiday in this case, discusses certain tips for dealing with this, so that the problem that needs to be fixed is our perception, because otherwise we are going to have to deal with the problem and our reaction.

Internal

The last year I worked at Etermax, with a group of colleagues who helped me a lot. I am diagnosed with depression and at the beginning it was quite difficult. It was hard to concentrate, to not fall into the darkness constantly, but every day they found a way to appease it. In a way, the work days served as a way to take my mind off all this darkness. While I have told them, I don't think they really understand how much they helped me.

Having left my job, I also left my colleagues. Being a SoloDev means spending a lot of the day alone with yourself, for better and for worse. I have given up a very high salary as a programmer, and yes I have given up more years of experience in the industry, but what affected me the most was to have lost the daily contact with several people.

This was my situation a couple of months ago. A darkness that was overshadowed by the happiness of my companions now no longer had a hold, and it came back flooding me. For those who do not suffer from depression, games like Omori portray it very well: a darkness that invades constantly, that seems to suffocate you more and more every second, and you live tired trying to fight so that it does not dominate you.

What can we do?

If you are going through the same situation, first, you are not the only one. At least with me there are two of us. I personally recommend talking to friends who might be in the same situation of being alone a lot. I was surprised to find many opportunities to occupy my time with different friends. Among them, I found a friend named Camila who decided to dedicate herself to her projects and we started working in coworking mode every day. This friend was my main salvation these months, so look for your Camila.

If friendships are not really a possibility, in my case I have looked for activities of things I like that can be transformed into hobbies where I can meet good people. Workshops, running groups, music, dance. If you have no luck there either, there are many solodevs who are sure to be in a similar situation. It's a matter of searching #solodev on Twitter, or asking on IndieDev's Reddit. There are also discords, although I'm outdated here, but it's a matter of asking on subreddits about any for solodevs.

The only thing I can tell you is not to do nothing. Try to make it a good experience, because dedicating yourself to this requires a lot of effort and sacrifice, and you shouldn't suffer for things you can solve.

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What about you?

Are you going through something similar? How do you deal with yourself?

It does not happen to you? Do you know of anyone who does?

If you found it interesting, remember that you can subscribe to be notified when I make a new post. I will be posting on the 7th of each month.

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